Thursday, July 31, 2014

A bump along the dizzy road (Part 1)

More like one of those gigantic speed bumps you have to slow the car down to a stop to get over! Yesterday I woke up and just didn't feel right. I went about my usual business of getting my husband's lunch ready for work and taking care of the pets. When I bent down to feed the cats, I really felt off.  When I stood back up, everything started to spin. I haven't had spinning vertigo since my illness started back in January, so this was really disheartening.  It only lasted a few seconds, but was enough to scare me.  I ran to get my husband, as he hadn't left for work yet. I went straight to my bed to lay back and relax.  Once I laid down, the spinning started again so I sat back up and after a few seconds, it went away.  Although it did leave me with the serious desire to vomit. I ran to the bathroom and dry-heaved a bit (sorry, that's gross), but nothing came up.  
As I sat on the bathroom floor, all sorts of thoughts, which should have been taken captive, ran through my mind.  Am I getting worse, what if it doesn't stop, is this going to be my new "normal", what if??  My biggest question was "Why, God??" Why, after all this time and the promise to heal me, would I seemingly get worse?  I'm used to having good days and bad with this illness, but this was the worst bad day yet. I'm going to tell it like it is, I was pretty much hysterical. I was crying and begging Him to please make this stop.  My husband kneeled down beside me and we prayed right there on the bathroom floor.

The spinning did stop, but I spent the rest of the day in our recliner, as sitting straight up was the only position where the dizziness would stop. Looking up or bending down was the worst trigger. I called my vestibular therapist and she told me to rest, avoiding any head movements that might trigger the vertigo.  My wonderful husband took the day off from work, as I really didn't want to be alone!  Filled with fear (when it should have been faith), I sent out a bunch of prayer requests.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes me feel better than knowing people are praying for me.

I really felt discouraged and did a whole lot of crying. I had trusted God to never let the vertigo happen again and here I was experiencing it.  (In His defense, He never promised that.)  I went on and on to God about how I had walked through this illness by faith for 6 months, trusting Him, waiting on Him, worshipping Him, studying His word, getting out of bed when I just wanted to stay under the covers, going to the supermarket and other places instead of staying home for fear of how I might feel while I'm there, and now this? I admitted defeat and that I could no longer go on like this. Technically, I don't have a choice in whether or not I'm going to live like this, but I do have a choice about how I'm going to feel or think about it. I'm ashamed today to think about everything I just shared.  I'm ashamed and sad at how I could question God and His ways or to react in such fear and discouragement rather than in faith and trust.

My pastor told me something a while back that I thought about.  He said "when you're faced with what you don't know, rely on what you do know".  What do I know?  I know that God loves me (Jeremiah 31:3), He has good plans for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), I know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28), I know that He promised to heal me (2 Kings 20:5), that He is always with me (Deut 31:6), I know that I should not be afraid or let my heart be troubled, but trust in Him (John 14:1, 27; Joshua 1:9, Psalm 56:3), I haven't been given a spirit of fear (2 Tim 1:7), He is perfecting me through this (James 1:2-4), and I know that He is sovereign, in control (Psalm 103:19, 1 Chronicles 29:11-12).  This is the truth I know that I need to dwell on. I don't know that it will make the vertigo any less frightening in the moment, but choosing to run to God's truth over dwelling on the enemies lies will undoubtedly produce more peace and trust in my life rather than chaos and further anxiety.

I wish I could say the thought of it happening again is not crossing my mind every minute, but it is.  It's hard to imagine choosing not to think those thoughts, but I know I can. The power of what I think lies in my choice to either take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5), or to let them roam free and allow the devil to have his field day. Lord, help me to dwell on Your truth!! 

I'm feeling better today than yesterday, but not 100% yet. I saw my vestibular therapist and she performed the Dix-Hallpike test to see if I would test positive for positional vertigo and nystagmus.  It didn't trigger any spinning or involuntary eye movements, so I guess that's good. She put me through a series of basic exercises and determined that my balance is still very good.  I am thankful for the previous 4 months of balance therapy that have strengthened my other balance organs!  I left feeling encouraged.

As for feeling defeated, as I sit here and type this, I'm reminded by the Lord that it's not possible. Because I'm in Christ, the battle has already been won and victory is already mine (1 John 5:4-5).

A bump along the dizzy road (Part 2)


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