Eleven days after my last post, my mother passed away after a week long stay at the hospital. I don't even know how to put into words how deeply I'm grieving. It came as a complete surprise.
In my last post, I had mentioned my Lyme Disease relapse, which was confirmed by my Lyme doctor just one day before my mother entered the hospital. I had managed about 2 1/2 weeks of antibiotics and all of my other herbal medications and supplements before throwing in the towel. It was just too much to keep up with while living in the hospital ICU. Thankfully, I somehow no longer have any obvious Lyme symptoms, but my body and mind are feeling the strain of emotional stress once again. As I talked about recently, my grandmother also passed away at the end of April. She was my mother's mother, and the two of them were like two peas in a pod. I guess they were never meant to be apart for long.
Going through this experience with my mother and all that happened to her, ending in her passing, has really challenged my faith. I still believe, and I still know where my greatest and ultimate healing and comfort comes from, but it's hard. I get angry, I question, I feel depressed and anxious and utterly crushed, but as Peter once asked Jesus, "Lord, to whom else shall [I] go"? (John 6:68)
The Lord has given me the following verses loud and clear, over the past few weeks, but I struggle to rest in the truth of what they say verses my overwhelming grief, sadness, confusion, heartache and disappointment:
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown." (Isaiah 43:2)
This was the scripture in my devotional the day after my mother passed away. I knew it was especially for me that day because I had been praying just before I read it, that I felt like I was going to drown in my grief. Every time I feel that way, I think of this scripture.
I'll be honest, I cannot possibly fathom the good that will come of this. It's what He promises, and His Word is true, but for now I'll just leave it at that.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)
This one is special to me because it was my mother's favorite verse, and she asked me to make a painting of it for her, which I gave to her for her birthday this year. It has come up in many different meaningful ways since her passing. The events leading up to her passing away were traumatizing beyond any experience I've had, and lets just say if ever there was a time for me to lean not on my own understanding, this would be it.
If you're reading this today, I ask that you please keep me and my family in prayer. We have a long road of healing ahead. I love this song by Casting Crowns, Oh, My Soul, which I feel right now speaks deeply into my life. I pray you take a listen and find encouragement for your own life, that one day He will make beauty from our ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)
